I felt everything & everyone around me was wrong. Whenever I am at home, I rarely talk & isolate myself. For instance, I'll be watching TV alone when my family's in the room. & When they're in the living room to watch TV, I'll move myself in the room to do my homework or spend time with the laptop. In school, I'll be the opposite. One can even call me a Jackass for always saying something so blunt to them & playing pranks. But I do feel happy when I'm in school. Just that I felt all emotional once I'm home. Was I really happy with myself & what I have? I wonder, really.

Have you ever felt like keeping things to yourself & be alone? Then felt like crying for no reason but having the pain in your heart? Even when I'm staring at the laptop, tears can even well up whenever I start to think about something, which I had no clue to what was I even thinking. It's really frustrating having not getting any answer.
Last night, I was chatting to SM & m mood totally changed faster than a morphine does. Now I'm feeling guilty. I'm aware that I'm being a selfish person who always thinks for no one around me. However, that was never me until I got this 'depression'. Maybe I am too caught up with school & feeling stressed with homework.

Was I to blame? I think so.

Even if I did share my set of problems, the feeling of getting relieved would be temporary. Hence, I dropped that idea because it's useless. Sometimes you did share your problems, but not every angel is what they seem to be. After all the let out, you come to know you're secrets are given away. & You'll end up being upset even more.

Anniversary's coming, I doubt you remember. Or probably even care to initiate something. My faith is shaking, & I'm sorry I said this. But I've been keeping it for too long. & For the fact that I've not been able to feel so delightful for what someone ever did to me. Maybe I should just drown all my hopes and get myself to be independent once again instead of sharing my happiness with one that doesn't even work.

Oh God, I'm feeling so messed up & troubled.




Love, ABJ