Tell me if I'm being self-centered & egoistic.

What would you do if your guy doesn't go out with you when YOU are the one that took the initiative to ask him out? Definitely you girls will think that's okay since not everyone's available round the clock 24/7, right? But how would YOU feel if this doesn't happen for the first time? Would you feel that it's a waste of time trying knowing that he'll turn you down? & That you felt rejection got you stooping so low you felt like you don't need a man in the first place & rather have fun shopping alone/ with your circle of friends?

Well, what if it comes to me? I personally think that it's okay to get rejected since not everyone's free (as I said earlier) but I definitely felt offended, upset & feel like throwing tantrums when it happend more then twice (or even thrice) especially when I'm asking my boyfriend to go out. In addition, whenever his friends asked him out he is always available. Or to put it in a better way, he would do ANYTHING just to go out with his friends. Tell me if I get the rights to feel painfully inflamed about it?

Then comes another person into the picture. At first, you thought that particular friend would be of a great help to sort out advices & hoped that he could be a beter mediator. but after some time, that friend expresses his/her discontentment about bugging into the relationship's problem too much. IF you had seen it coming, why bother a helping hand in the first place when you know that this problem is always going to face alot of shortcomings in the future? My question is WHY? To top it all off, that particular friend always talks bad about the person whom you're with but helped his/her own human race in the end. God knows what that friend talked about me to the person you're attached to. Somehow, backstabbing is taking place. & Without realising, in a way it's like I shot you with a pistol & turned my back on you claiming not taking out the bloody gun from my holster. & There you go feeling the excruciating pain for 'Nothing'.

& To rub the salt evn harder on the wound, the mediator claimed that I'm turning tables & making it look as if it's my boyfriend's fault. I didn't fuly blame him, it's just that he's a guy & I expect him to have the fundamentals of a guy should know & have when he's dating a girl. & Why can't I blame him when the relationship is more than 1.5 years?

On the other hand, the mediator's being too true. I'm so immuned that I took his advices with grace & respected his point of view instead of feeling pissed like I used to. All in all, I'd take my hats off the mediator 'cause I like his damn guts. Wouldn't it be nice if guys these days aren't cowards? We'll get to see tonnes of dramas then when the girls turned rowdy & cougar towards the opposite sex.

Back to my point. Like everytime this sentence comes out whenever I'm ranting about my relationship issues; "Just leave him, go find a better guy." If one of my closest friend told me this, I think he's just being straightforward & wishes me the best of life I should ever have- to be treated better. These words are wise to me but I always falter about ending everything. Afterall, it's worth of close to three years of relationship.

Let's do some of my attitude check. I was concentrating on my own advantage instead of his most of the times. My excuse was not to lose him, in other words being overprotective & defensive in conversations. I show agressiveness because it's one of the ways giving a stern warning I'm not one to mess or fool with. I might sound so confident in the fight & arguments but deep inside, I always felt weak. So shaky I could just crumble anytime. Sometimes I couldn't even breathe when I slept myself to ease of the depression that I had to find an envergy to breathe it & cough the hell out. Little did I know I have minor heart problems which I kept for a long long time, which no one really knew about it.

So they say those who are ill tend to have bad temper.





Love, ABJ

Labels: Cry Me Out